You Give Love A Bad Name

Ah, Valentine’s. Naysayers be damned, there is a certain feeling in the air that makes for romance that shakes the heavens. Relationships will blossom and with a little luck and a lot of hard work, might blossom into marriage. Pretty awesome, right?

Talk to us in June.

Your Relationship Is Going To Fail!

Holy Fucking Shit!!!!!!

How To Teach The Kids A Lesson In A Po-Mo Hipster World, By Scaring The Living Crap Out Of Them

As Kevin pointed out with his recent post, children and parents of the 80′s were pretty easy to scare. Just tell ‘em that every old white guy with a receding hairline and a members only jacket is on the hunt to diddle some grassless fields using candy as bait, and every kid in America is on lock down until junior year of college. It was this mentality that strongly attributed to the sardonic flippance of the youth of the 90′s, which was pretty much a complete rebellion to their parents over protectiveness. Sarcasm and irony became the fruits of the spirit and biting the hand that feeds (or pays for college/rent/car insurance) was the average badge of courage. This teen angst/parental dependency led us to the hipster movement of today, where really kids only worry is if their headband matches their iphone or if Vampire Weekend will still be cool by the time the show they bought tickets for on ebay rolls around.

The Trouble With Sluts

There aren’t enough readily available.

I’m gonna dispel a common myth: being a comedy blogger does not get you the type of ass one would think it does. And being a manchild, I have…erm..needs. Needs which must be met, preferably with as little amount of claw marks to my face as possible.

It’s hard to meet women. Actually, strike that. It’s easy to meet women. All one needs to do is step foot out the door and visit a local bar. With a slight amount of confidence and a large amount of booze, you’ll be chatting away in no time.

But fuck that. I don’t want conversation and I certainly don’t want another friend. Dinner and drinks? Psh. Catching a movie and coffee? No ma’m.

All of the aforementioned are just the middleman between a guy and getting some. In a move of sheer brilliance, I took to the internet to cut out the supurfolous bullshit and make my life more the the R. Kelly song it was meant to be.

pictured: my hero

Waiting for a 12 year old and pee joke? Fuck it, I want it all.

So here’s the ad I put on Craigslist:

The Results? Nothing.

Nothing but girls who thought it was “really funny.” And would like to meet me based on my “sense of humor.” After I tried to explain I wasn’t kidding, all communication halted.

What the fuck, people? Are you telling me there’s no sluts out there?

With Valentine’s day on the horizon, you can be certain the prospective sluts of Chicago have not heard the last from Garbage Day.